Monday, June 22, 2015

fathers' day

I spent the day today with my dad and kids (and my mom).

One would think this would be nice,  I know I should feel blessed that the four of them are still alive and that we were together.  It's just difficult being with your son whom you no longer parent.

I've been laying here trying to sleep since 10 and it's 4:30 so I'm gonna guess it's not gonna happen.  I just can't figure out how I got here.

My heart breaks and aches for the things I've missed and will miss.  I was so looking forward to talking about dating, teaching him to drive, how to cook, planting a garden together, going to concerts etc.  I see other people on facebook and hear them talk about their kids and i must turn away.  It's un bearable.

Everyone knows I grew up saying over and over again how I was having kids.  I seem to recall that as one of the reasons I broke up with one or two girlfriends.  I would have never married Zac and Robbie's mom if she had wanted kids either.

Men plan and god laughs.

I always say that my biggest fear is that my kids die before I do.  I have to say knowing he's out there and not knowing what's going on in his life are awful.  I know all parents go through this but I wasn't ready.  not yet.

Tomorrow is his 16th birthday.  I'm not sure If i will get to see him.  Even if i do, I have no idea what he needs.  Can you imagine that?  I don't have any clue.  this feeling is particularly awful.

I am so concerned that I have so much more to teach him.  you know "guy stuff"  I hope his grandfather and mom's life partner step up.  It's so tough to be around him when it's so obvious I missed so much.  I wasn't done yet.  I thought I had more time.

I've dedicated the last 10 years of my life to my kids.  I've lost 2 wives, a couple girlfriends, and lots of work.  I feel foolish now.  I did that all for what?  For this.

If I would have had any any idea how this would turn out, I never would have given his mother a divorce so easily.  When I got the text that she was divorcing me, I was thrilled.  Not gonna lie.  I've never had anyone so unappreciative of what I brought to the table.  I may not be perfect but i do add something .

That is something I will have to live with the rest of my life.

I also got confirmation of something I have suspected for a long time.  Her parents blamed me for the whole thing and were instrumental in pushing her to do it.  There is a special room in hell for those who violate the "what God has joined, let no man put asunder" part of the wedding.  I am sick to death of people blaming others for their problems.