fathers' day

I spent the day today with my dad and kids (and my mom).

One would think this would be nice,  I know I should feel blessed that the four of them are still alive and that we were together.  It's just difficult being with your son whom you no longer parent.

I've been laying here trying to sleep since 10 and it's 4:30 so I'm gonna guess it's not gonna happen.  I just can't figure out how I got here.

My heart breaks and aches for the things I've missed and will miss.  I was so looking forward to talking about dating, teaching him to drive, how to cook, planting a garden together, going to concerts etc.  I see other people on facebook and hear them talk about their kids and i must turn away.  It's un bearable.

Everyone knows I grew up saying over and over again how I was having kids.  I seem to recall that as one of the reasons I broke up with one or two girlfriends.  I would have never married Zac and Robbie's mom if she had wanted kids either.

Men plan and god laughs.

I always say that my biggest fear is that my kids die before I do.  I have to say knowing he's out there and not knowing what's going on in his life are awful.  I know all parents go through this but I wasn't ready.  not yet.

Tomorrow is his 16th birthday.  I'm not sure If i will get to see him.  Even if i do, I have no idea what he needs.  Can you imagine that?  I don't have any clue.  this feeling is particularly awful.

I am so concerned that I have so much more to teach him.  you know "guy stuff"  I hope his grandfather and mom's life partner step up.  It's so tough to be around him when it's so obvious I missed so much.  I wasn't done yet.  I thought I had more time.

I've dedicated the last 10 years of my life to my kids.  I've lost 2 wives, a couple girlfriends, and lots of work.  I feel foolish now.  I did that all for what?  For this.

If I would have had any any idea how this would turn out, I never would have given his mother a divorce so easily.  When I got the text that she was divorcing me, I was thrilled.  Not gonna lie.  I've never had anyone so unappreciative of what I brought to the table.  I may not be perfect but i do add something .

That is something I will have to live with the rest of my life.

I also got confirmation of something I have suspected for a long time.  Her parents blamed me for the whole thing and were instrumental in pushing her to do it.  There is a special room in hell for those who violate the "what God has joined, let no man put asunder" part of the wedding.  I am sick to death of people blaming others for their problems.

zac

I've often said the best day of my life was the day zac was born.  I stick with that however things have been rough the last 4 years.  He never adjusted to the divorce well and had an even harder time when his mom and I began serious relationships.  While mine lasted only 3 years, his mom's has been going on for 7 years.

He recently moved her and the kids 25 miles away from where they've lived their whole life and into a totally different situation.  That kicked things into overdrive between zac and me.  it culminated with him telling his mom he wanted to live with me ft.

She didn't take that well.  She screamed at him, branished the custody agreement in front of him and told him to get a lawyer and sue her.  As you can imagine this sent him in a downward spiral that culminated with me calling the police after he refused to let me know what was in his pockets after I had caught him lying about where he was.

So he hasn't lived here for several months.  today I called him and invited him to coffee.  He refused and when I asked him where he was he said "none of your fucking bussiness" and hung up.

As you can imagine I am upset.  I let his mom know and she said that was perfectly acceptable and his is a nice boy.

So the question is, should I just let this go or continue.

I texted him that he had upset me and I wanted an apology.  The only thing I can do to punish him is take away his school.  He still goes to school in my neighborhood using my address not his mothers' suburban one.

I am strongly considering telling the school he doesn't live here anymore if he does not apoligize.

I want to let him know that there are consequences to bad behavior.  I think this is the best way to do that but I am not sure.  I wish i could know what's right.  parenting is so difficutl.

here it is

in the abscence of fb this is where I will talk about music, my kids, and my job search.

come back soon!